I have thought of posting this LOVE PROBLEM from Mica, an avid fan of Joe D'Mango's Radio Program - Lovenotes. Malay mo, ganito rin pala ang nararanasan mo -- and the answer to your problem is exactly the solution that Joe will advise. Will it be then, time to move on?
I'm an avid fan of your radio program, especially on Fridays because of your Lovenotes. I have always been amazed by your advice and always wondered where you get your soulful thoughts.
Joe, just call me Mica. I had a boyfriend for five years and seven months. His name was Anton and we were deeply in love. At least I'd like to believe that he was in love with me, too. We had dreams of getting married in the year 2000 and we agreed to name our first baby girl with both our mothers' names.
For five years, my life focused on Anton. He was my world and my life, and he always came first. My friends, family, career and even myself came after. My heart and mind were already set on having him as my husband--my lifetime partner. Nothing and no one could change that. His family and friends knew about us and accepted me. They were all kind to me and treated me well. I remember his brothers and sisters introducing me to their friends as "our future sister-in-law". Everyone thought it would be Anton and me in the end.
Third quarter of this year, we began having frequent fights over small things like where to eat, what movie to watch and whether he would see me or not. He'd tell me he was under a lot of pressure from both his work and his relationship with me so I proposed we "cool off" for awhile. I told him that in the meantime, I wouldn't call him or see him as often as I wanted to, but I'd always be around if ever he needed me.
Without a second thought, he accepted my proposal and told me to just end the relationship. Joe, it was as if he had just waited for me to initiate the breakup.
I was shocked and surprised. The man I love and gave my life to was letting me go. Though it hurt, I accepted the idea because I thought he was just tired from work and confused. I thought that after a few days, we'd both realize that we really need and love each other.
When we parted ways, I couldn't help but cry. The following day I called him and asked if we could still talk about it. I asked him the real reason and he told me that he was tired of my demands. He was tired of being committed and just wanted to be alone for awhile. I told him I'd change but Anton remained firm in his decision.
Twenty days after our breakup, we agreed to meet in our old meeting place for dinner. However, he didn't show up despite my numerous pages reminding him that I was waiting. When the mall closed, I decided to go home and on my way, I saw him with another woman. What made it even painful was that he just ignored me, as if he didn't see me. For two days, I was absent from work, I didn't know what to do. I was so confused. I didn't know what was happening, why he was with that girl when he was supposed to meet me--that same girl my friends saw him with minutes before our breakup.
I went to his place so we could talk and ask for some enlightenment. I told him how hurt I was but he said that the girl is just a friend and that he just didn't know what to do that night, so he ignored me. He promised that he would not have a girlfriend this year or next because he really wanted to be alone and moreover, he still loves me. I believed him, Joe, as I had for more than five years.
My friends told me they didn't believe what Anton had told me and that he was just trying to ease my pain and lessen his guilty feelings. I was so confused. Who was telling the truth? Who should I believe?
On September 17, my friends and I watched CONSPIRACY THEORY and while scouting for a better seat, I accidentally saw him and that girl again. Knowing that they were just friends, I made sure that Anton would see me but he just ignored me again. Joe, if she's just a friend, why can't he introduce me to her? Why does he have to ignore me? And so I began to believe my friends.
I finally broke the news to his elder sister. Thank God his sister and I were so close I could discuss matters of the heart with her. She was really surprised and saddened by the news. She told me to talk to Anton to clarify everything and so I did. I got my answer the following day.
The girl my friends and I have been seeing with Anton is, in fact, his girlfriend. For a while, I was speechless, as if someone had slapped my face. I could no longer cry. But I could clearly feel the pain running through my smallest veins.
I thought he wanted to be alone, that he didn't want to commit but we've only been off for two months, and already he's found someone new? Am I that easy to forget? Did our five years of love mean nothing to him? Why did he have to tell me he loves and needs me only to turn around and show the opposite of what he says. What have I done to deserve this? I just can't believe he can hurt me this much, Joe.
It's supposed to be our five-year-and-nine-month anniversary. I just celebrated my 26th birthday and Anton and Marie (that's the new girl's name) celebrated their first month of anniversary a day after my birthday.
Although my friends are always beside me to comfort and cheer me up, I'd still think of Anton and his girl. They are always in my dreams and it's like a constant nightmare. When I want to enjoy a movie, I would remember seeing them together. If I stay at home, it kills me to see my computer because Anton is a real computer wizard.
How can I go on, Joe? Will I ever be happy again? Is there really such a thing as a reckoning? Are there more ways to forget everything about him, especially the pain?
Joe, I'm already wishing for my early death. I'm trying to speed it by skipping meals and not eating on time. I know this will hurt my family and friends but I'm really tired of pretending I'm happy and brave when in fact, I'm not. Behind my laughter is a lonely heart, inside me is a crying soul.
Help me, Joe. Everyday I go to sleep and wake up with a heavy heart. Sometimes I wish I'll never wake up again. Then perhaps the hurt will go away and I'll be able to find peace again.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read my letter. Good luck and more power to your show.
Sincerely
Mica
Getting over someone who has hurt us and betrayed our trust is not an easy thing to do. Being taken for granted and exchanged for someone else could be very disappointing. Our lives become miserable as we try to make believe that everything is fine just to keep our self-esteem.
Mica, it's always easy for a man to say "I love you". Sometimes men would lie just to save their faces and get away with their wrongdoings. They would make you believe that they care for you even if they have someone else at the back of their minds.
Anton lied about his feelings because, deep inside him, he knew he was not in love with you anymore. He thought that not knowing would spare you the pain but he didn't know that you have been hurting all along.
I know you love him and you still have so many questions unanswered. But ignoring you twice when he was with this girl should have given you more than enough answers and reason to let go.
Stop asking why, Mica. It's plain and simple. He doesn't love you anymore and you just have to learn to live with that. You don't have to make believe and pretend you are happy when you're not. You should cry and lament over his loss. But don't let your tears run dry. Don't starve yourself to death for someone who never respected your feelings. Someone who was never really worthy of your love.
Mica, after giving yourself some time to cry and shout it all, get back to life and move on. I know it's difficult to let go of a love that you have kept for the past five years. Learn to accept that it's all over. Little by little you'll find the peace you're looking for and you'll give yourself the chance to love again then you'll find real happiness in the arms of a man who will love you more than anyone else has.
Love,
Joe
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